Sunday January 29, 2012

Today I have a hangover.  Not the kind of hangover that involved beverages of the alcoholic sort or late nights at a smoky bar.  Nope, this hangover is the kind brought on by the dreaded 4am super low blood sugar followed by a rebound high, an early morning bolus to correct the high number and incessant praying for a good fasting number when the alarm goes off. 

Following a night of volatile blood sugar fluctuations, this morning I woke up with a headache, a surprisingly good fasting blood sugar and a sticky feeling in my mouth from the glucose tabs I crunched down in the middle of the night.  This was then followed by a series of semi-low blood sugars for the remainder of the day which has left me sitting here at 4:30 on Sunday afternoon, nursing a headache and feeling generally worn down. 

There are days when my diabetes doesn’t really bother me, when my numbers are perfect and I am feeling on top of the world.  Then there are days when no matter what I do, I can’t keep my numbers in range…I am either eating constantly to keep them up or practically holding down the bolus button on my pump to bring them down.  These are the days when I curse my broken pancreas.

Sometimes it seems there is nothing worse than the days I spend battling my diabetes with every weapon in the arsenal.  Sometimes I just want to give up.  Days like today are when I have to remind myself why I work so hard at managing my diabetes.  I remind myself that giving up will only do more harm than good.  I throw myself a little pity party, do some crying or screaming and then pull myself up by the boot straps and move on with my day. 

Today, I remind myself that I am a strong woman.  That tomorrow will be better.  Today, I remind myself that strength is not just measured in how much you can bench press or how many miles you can run...it's also measured in your ability to see a 350 and a 47 on your blood glucose meter in the same day and still have a smile on your face.