November 23, 2009

My husband and I attended a Couples’ Seminar this past weekend conducted by Dr. Alan Wright of Winston-Salem, NC.  At the seminar, we dug deep into our subconscious to identify some of the false messages (Lies of Shame) we are living by that affect our marriage.  These messages were sent to us from our parents, caregivers, siblings, friends, virtually anyone who had an influence in our lives.  We, then, convert these lies of shame into oaths that we live by every day.  In order for us to reach a place of peace and happiness within our marriage, we had to first, recognize and identify (call out!) the lies and oaths, then, identify ways to transform our thought patterns.  Naturally, you cannot expect to see an immediate change, but rather a gradual change after going through this process. 

After the Seminar, I started thinking about all of the emails I receive from women with diabetes who are in pain and think that diabetes has ruined their lives.  As we enter into the holiday season, I know that many are anxious about re-connecting with loved ones because of the “Lies of Shame” about diabetes that have been inflicted upon them by loved ones- parents, friends, spouses. These lies affect us today because they impact how we think about ourselves as women with diabetes.  These Lies then lead to Inner Oaths that bring down our self-esteem and make us do unhealthy things.

Examples of Lies of Shame for Women with Diabetes-

• I can protect others from being hurt by my diabetes. 
• Diabetes is my problem.  I should avoid burdening other family members with my problem.
• I am a victim of my circumstances. (I have no control over things in my life- I can only react when things, like a diabetes diagnosis, are thrown at me.)
• Having diabetes proves that I am unblessed.  But, if I get my diabetes under control, I will be blessed.
• The best thing I can do when my diabetes is out of control is to get alone so I can sort it all out by myself.
• Perfect diabetes control is always better than good diabetes control.  

These Lies of Shame about your diabetes lead to inner oaths that you carry around in the back of your mind.  By keeping these lies of shame alive in your minds, you are allowing others to have control over you and keep you from reaching your full potential in life.  I don’t know about you, but I DO NOT LIKE for anyone/anything else to have any kind of control over me! J

For example, if you are living under the Lie of Shame: 

I can protect others from being hurt by my diabetes.

Then, you are likely living by the oath(s):

“I will hide my own needs related to diabetes.”

“I will always be there for others.” 

Lie: Diabetes is my problem.  I should avoid burdening other family members with my problem.

Oaths: “I will save my family from embarrassment over my diabetes.”                       

“I will work hard to keep up appearances at all costs.” 

Lie: I am a victim of my circumstances. (I have no control over things in my life- I can only react when things are thrown at me, like a diagnosis of diabetes.)

Oaths: “I will always be a victim of diabetes, never a victor.”           

“I will never fully succeed because of my diabetes.”           

“I better prepare for the worst because of my diabetes.”

Lie: Having diabetes proves that I am unblessed.  But, if I get my diabetes under control, I will be blessed.

Oaths: “Until  _________ (A1C is under__%; doctor praises me for good diabetes control, my family tells me they are proud of my diabetes control, etc.) happens,  I will not be blessed, and therefore, I will not see anything good happen in my life.”           

“I must get approval of my diabetes control at all costs.”

Lie: The best thing I can do when my diabetes is out of control is to get alone so I can sort it all out by myself.

Oaths: “I must solve my own problems with diabetes.”           

“I won’t rely on others to help me with my diabetes.”           

“I won’t bother others with my problems about diabetes.” 

Lie: Perfect diabetes control is always better than good diabetes control.

Oaths:  “I won’t celebrate until my diabetes control is perfect.”           

“No matter how hard I have to work to get my diabetes control perfect, I won’t stop until I get there.” 

Please consider which of the Lies and Oaths you are currently subscribing to in your life.  The first step is to acknowledge that they are lies.  The next step is to begin to think about how you can change the oaths that are circulating in your mind.  This will likely garner “NEW” behavior on your part, so expect for your loved ones to fight you when you try to change a behavior/mind set that they have grown accustomed to. (Remember, they may have even helped plant the lie or oath in your mind themselves.)  Start with the easiest one and work your way up to the hardest one.  Seeing yourself succeed will give you the strength and fortitude to move forward and conquer the harder ones.